Fight, Flight or Fawn: Why we end up doing things we don't want to
Fight, Flight or Fawn: How our nervous system impacts the decisions we make in pregnancy & birth
You might have heard of the term ‘fight or flight’. It describes an automatic response in our bodies that happens any time we feel afraid, disturbed, observed or uneasy in some way. In hypnobirthing we talk about it a lot to explain how our labour hormones behave.
On an evolutionary level: we sense danger , create adrenalin (in the sympathetic nervous system), trigger the fight or flight response, and act upon it QUICKLY. An example- you are cave woman, in labour in your nice dark cave. Suddenly, a Sabre tooth tiger appears at the door.. uh oh.. you need to get out of there SHARPISH or somehow prepare yourself to battle a tiger. That’s the fight or flight response in action.
But in the modern maternity system, we tend do something else. Something that is an extension of the ‘fight or flight’ response.. and it is called the ‘Fawn Response’.
The ‘fawn response’ is trying to avoid or minimise distress, harm or danger by pleasing or appeasing the threat.
You’re not going to get very far trying to appease a sabre tooth tiger mid way through labour, hence the (probable) jump to ‘flight’ (getting the hell out of there!!).. or (possible) attempt to ‘fight’ it.
On the flip side, engaging in ‘fight’ when in pregnancy or birth is often not the easiest or most comfortable option. Whilst confrontation and argument may happen, it’s actually not something I tend to see that much ‘in the moment’. Similarly ‘flight’ responses do happen- ‘I just need to step outside’, but again, less frequently that we probably want them to, because ‘getting up and leaving’ feels uncomfortable.
So what we tend to see most of in pregnancy/birth in 2023 is a ‘fawn’ response. A ‘nodding along’, an ‘I’ll just do whatever they say’, a ‘just get the baby out, I don’t care any more’ response. Because this feels like the easiest way out of the emotional discomfort in the short term.
Nodding along? This might be a response you recognise in yourself from this pregnancy/birth or one before, or a response you can certainly see yourself having if facing a difficult decision.
Unfortunately, it’s probably not the best way out of the discomfort in the long term.
And this is why it’s crucial we aren’t trying to make decisions governed by the fight/flight/fawn response.
So what do you do?
Good news, this doesn’t mean you just have to surrender yourself over to your ‘hard to control nervous system’. There are choices you can make, tools you can reach for, techniques you can use to ensure you remain safe, centred and in control of your birth experience.
Never make a decision in front of the person asking you the question. This goes for both pregnancy and birth! Practice the sentence ‘Thanks so much for all the information, we just need 2 mins/a little while/a few days/a few weeks’ to think about it and then we will let you know what we decide’. (Say it now out loud a few times!). Then GO AWAY (ideally go home, if you can’t go home, then go find somewhere you can see the sky and breathe fresh air, if you cant do that then ask the staff to leave the room). Then use the steps below before making your choice.
Use techniques to activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the calm mode rather than the emergency mode). Very simple tools such as Up Breathing (taught on our course), a guided relaxation script, sucking a lollypop, singing, having a cool shower, yoga etc. (depending on how long you’ve got). Once you are feeling a little calmer, you are better positioned to utilise some of the decision making tools taught on our courses to be sure the choice you are making feels safe, positive and right for YOU.
Consider ahead of time how to avoid activating the ‘emergency mode’ in the first place. Taking this into account during pregnancy can influence where you choose to give birth, who is in your birth space and what other choices you are making about your birth. A decent antenatal education also means you understand what the choices being presented to you actually involve, so you aren’t blindsided by new ideas mid way through labour.
Think carefully about who is supporting you in birth. It’s really hard to advocate for yourself both in pregnancy and in birth! So having a support team around you that understand their role, your needs and how best to advocate on your behalf is essential. This might be ensuring your partner does birth prep with you, it might be selecting a different birth partner that understands your wishes or perhaps hiring a doula to offer this support.
With the right understanding of how your body/mind work, tools to support that and to help you navigate the maternity system; you’ll be best placed to avoid simply ‘doing as you were told’ out of fear or exasperation. Our courses will help you get there. Join us online or in person to learn so much more about how this birth thing works!